Trauma Bond: Terms Often Misused on Social Media
If you've heard someone talk about trauma bonding, it's likely it was used incorrectly. If you are interested in learning the definition of this term from a trauma therapist, read ahead.
TERMS MISUSED ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Teresa Strong
9/9/20262 min read
What Is Trauma Bonding?
No, it isn't having a traumatic (or emotionally challenging) experience alongside someone else and bonding over your shared trauma.
Trauma bonding is frequently misunderstood. It is not bonding with someone over a shared traumatic experience; rather, it is an unhealthy attachment formed through a cycle of abuse and intermittent affection. The term was coined by psychologist Patrick Carnes and further described by experts like psychologist Liz Powell, "a trauma bond creates deep loyalty toward someone who actively causes harm."
This dynamic relies on a biological trap. When an abusive partner or caregiver follows a painful incident with grand gestures, flowers, or physical intimacy, the brain releases powerful "feel-good" neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. Over time, the body learns to view the abuser as the antidote to the pain, even though they are also the cause.
This cycle makes leaving an abusive relationship (whether romantic, familial, or professional) very difficult. While those inside a trauma bond often struggle to recognize the pattern, it is usually clear to outside observers.
More info about the science behind trauma bonding: https://www.wellandgood.com/trauma-bonding-relationship/.
Signs You May Be in a Trauma Bond With Someone
The person constantly promises you things (and that they will change their abusive behavior) and they never do. The pattern just continues over and over again.
You may feel that you don’t even like or trust the person anymore, but you can't leave.
Everyone in your life tells you that they don't like this person and don't trust them.
You know the person is “sometimes” abusive and hurtful, but you focus on the “good” in them and the relationship.
You feel protective about the person because of their “difficult past” or “childhood” and find yourself caring for them, despite their abusive behavior.
You make excuses for their behavior (and they do, too) blaming it on their "difficult past” or “childhood.”
You know you are being manipulated, but you’re often in denial and block out bad things that happen.
The relationship is intense and inconsistent. There are really high highs and low lows.
They say things you want to hear to resolve issues temporarily or make future promises — “I promise I’ll marry you one day,” “I have learned my lesson,” “I will prove my love for you everyday,” “I need you,” “I promise things will get better.”
Others seem disturbed by things that happen to you, but you brush it off.
You have tried to leave, but it makes you feel physically ill, like you will die or your life will be destroyed if you do.
TL;DR Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment formed when an abuser alternates between causing harm and offering affection, creating a cycle that traps the victim. Influenced by brain chemistry, denial, and broken promises, this dynamic makes leaving difficult despite the harm inflicted.
This practice is supportive of and celebrates LGBTQ+ identities.
