Ways to Regulate When Your Toddler (or Teenager) Has a Tantrum
Tantrums are tough. Here are a few quick skills to help you regulate yourself so you can better support your child. Remember, it takes practice! Give yourself some leeway, mama.
Teresa Strong
9/9/20262 min read
Kids' cries and big emotions are biologically meant to dysregulate you. This is how they get their needs met! However, there are things that you can do to regulate yourself so you can respond, instead of react. You can feel better about how you respond to your child's tantrums and big feelings, you just need the right skills and practice.
You can do these in the moment (easier with skills like breathing or co-regulating) or you can do them after you help your child regulate, if you need to re-center yourself.
Regulating Your Nervous System (Skill →):
Breathing (ugh, I know everyone talks about this but it's because it works!)
One type of breathing exercise I like is the physiological sigh:
→ Two inhales through the nose
→ One long exhale through the mouth (sighing out) - this works best if it's audible
→ Repeat
I like to put my hand on my chest while I do this—it feels grounding to me.Shake it Out
→ You can try shaking each limb one by one, shaking your whole
body.
If you want the neuroscience behind this: Shaking helps to discharge “fight, flight, and freeze” impulses in the body to bring completion to the stress cycle.
Splash Your Face with Cold Water
→ Splash your face with cold water a few times in the sink.
→ You can also do this by holding an ice cube/pack in your hand, chest, neck, or forehead.
→ Try deep breathing as you notice the temperature and sensations.
Splashing water on your face will do two things to your body:
(1) It will shock the system, which will divert your attention to something other than what's causing the overwhelm.
(2) It can also be considered a minor threat to the system, so the system itself will go into preservation mode and lower your heartrate.
Body Tapping
Tapping Exercise:
• Cup hand slightly so palm and fingers can gently pat from
• wrist to shoulder
• ankle to thigh
• kidney area and low back (avoid spine)
• shoulder joint to center of chest
• belly in clockwise direction
• soles of feet
• crown of head to back of neck
• tap face with finger tips
• Sit quietly and sense your body
Step Away for a Second (If it's safe to do so)
If it's safe for your child, tell them you are going into the bathroom for a minute and you'll be right back. Feel free to be honest with them about what you are doing: "Mommy needs a second to calm down, too. I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom for a second."
→ Then, take a minute or two.
→ Close the door.
→ Take a few breaths.
→ Sit down for a second if you need to.
→ Stretch your shoulders up to your ears and then drop them.
→ Massage your jaw and relax your face.
→ Return to your child when you feel a bit calmer.
Co-Regulating (This is perfect for in-the-moment)
Ask your child to breath with you (count them through inhales and exhales, have them do a deep sigh out with you) or shake out their bodies with you. Any of the above techniques work with this and it's great because it helps both of you to bring down body tension simultaneously. Asking for a hug when they feel calm is also a good way to regulate your nervous system and release some oxytocin in the body.